May 2021
After Mother’s Day I began to feel sick.
I couldn’t keep anything down.
This went on for a few weeks.
I had found that cheesy fiesta potatoes and McDonald’s French fries became the only thing I could eat for almost two weeks. For some reason those were the only thing that my body would digest.
After awhile I had figured I was either really sick or pregnant. I wanted to give it as much time as possible before I peed on that stick
It takes 6-8 weeks sometimes before the hCG hormone fully leaves your body and I was concerned that the leftover hormones would give me a positive pregnancy test.
So I waited until week 9 before taking a pregnancy test.
I was hesitant to pee on that freaking stick.
After the last time I was scared.
Scared of what it would say, scared of getting my hopes up again.
But I did it.
I peed on the stick.
Positive.
There was no excitement like the last time. There was only disbelief. Like don’t get too excited jessie. It could be the hormones from surgery still left in your body.
I didn’t allow myself to feel any job or excitement due to the despair I felt a few months ago.
I knew I would need more info so I called and made a Drs. Appointment at Mercy where I had had my surgery.
June 15th-appointment set
June 1st I peed on another stick. This time the pregnancy line appeared then disappeared after awhile.
Wtf was that?
Googled it. Sometimes there is such a thing called evaporation line.
Which could mean a negative pregnancy test.
I remember thinking “i won’t know for sure until my appointment. Don’t stress about it just know that you will find out more when the appointment comes”
So for the past 3 weeks I have just been waiting.
I have felt absent in life. Just sleeping and trying to find foods that I could eat without immediately throwing up.
I decided to stop smoking weed when I got that positive test result at least until I talked with the doctors.
Which made each day feel like a week.
I felt depleted. Zero motivation. Exhausted.
But I made sure I listened to my body.
I slept when I was tired which some days I felt like that’s all I was doing.
Luckily my stomach settled a little bit but now I was left with post nasal drip which f*cked me up.
And is still currently f*cking me up as I write this.
It’s not so bad now that I had adjusted to it but at first it was so much that it would make me cough to the point of throwing up.
Let me tell ya. Not so fun.
Was this due to allergies? Was it due to pregnancy? Who f*cking knows. Bc I sure as hell didn’t.
I began to get a little worried because I feared my body was just getting rid of any kind of nutrients I was trying to put into it. Hence the reason I took the pregnancy test. I needed something to go off of.
But again even when I saw the positive pregnancy test my brain went to everything it could be besides being pregnant.
One of my fears was that my body still thought I was pregnant from before I had the surgery and that it was still reacting to “pregnancy” even though I wasn’t. That thought made me so sad for my body.
It reminded me of this bird on a documentary I watched who had a predator come in and eat her egg and the momma bird sat in her nest on her broken egg not understanding that her baby was gone.
It was heartbreaking.
I was hoping that wasn’t the case for me. But I got my hopes up before and it wrecked me.
Yesterday was the appointment and I met Austin at his work where we rode together to the hospital.
We parked then made our way up to the obgyn office and checked in.
I met with the nurse practitioner who was super nice. She got all of my information and we shared stories of our guinea pigs. Turns out her sons
have a guinea pig as well.
She asked how far along we were and I told her, I had no idea.
Luckily I had a sonogram appointment right after my visit with her.
So we head over to the sonogram technician and she squirts the jelly on my belly and starts to have a look around.
The last sonogram I had showed my ectopic pregnancy so you can only imagine the relief when she was like “that little flutter, that’s the heartbeat” and then moved the scope thingy and there it was. A baby. Not a blob that I thought we might see but a baby.
Little hands. A freaking nose.
She told us by the looks of it, it was 11 weeks. Then she measured it. 11 weeks four days.
Now let me remind you I had surgery 12 weeks ago and inside by belly is a healthy 11week old baby.
Holy f*cking sh*t. I stared at the screen in disbelief. I kept saying.
“That’s a baby” over and over again.
This little bean was in there when we got married in April, when I was heartbroken on Mother’s Day. It was in there growing And I had no idea.
It blows my mind. Surgery 12 weeks ago and there’s an 11 week old baby in my belly.
How in the world?
It reminded me to trust in the universe when I felt like my faith in it was gone.
That even when life feels out of control to just keep going.
Because holy sh*t what a wild ride. And it’s only the beginning.
I cannot thank everyone who reached out to me and made me feel less alone along this journey. Thank you to those who have prayed to whoever you believe in and sent good energy into the universe for me and Austin through the hardship that was loosing that first pregnancy in such a traumatic way.
I cannot express how much love I feel right now.
3 months down. 6 more to go.
❤️❤️❤️❤️
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