I came home yesterday to this note.
This time of year is the busy season at the country club Austin works at and so we don’t get to see each other that often. I wake up and head off to watch the kiddos while he’s asleep and by the time he gets home I have already gone to bed.
The only moments we share are when I kiss him goodbye and when he kisses me goodnight.
But those moments are everything.
The last few months have been pretty eventful for the both of us.
We found out we were pregnant March 16th and then a week later I had an ectopic pregnancy that resulted in emergency surgery.
I had to rest for two weeks after surgery. Then with some help, planned our wedding the two weeks after that.
We got married exactly one month after I had surgery. It was a whirlwind that’s for sure.
For our wedding Austin surprised me by getting coasters made of a doodle I had drawn of the both of us.
They were a cute little addition to our day.
Our wedding was everything I could have ever dreamt of. We were surrounded by so much love and felt the high from that day in the weeks that followed.
Until Mother’s Day, and it completely wrecked me.
I was so caught up in the highs that I hadn’t even began to process the lows I had just experienced.
I felt so unseen on Mother’s Day.
Everyone sending Mother’s Day cards to the mothers in their lives, reaching out to them. Celebrating them. And rightfully so, mother’s are awesome but I felt so left out. So unseen.
I get it. It’s awkward. It’s uncomfortable. What do you even say?
So instead there was a deafening silence.
My heart was shattered into a million little pieces and I thought maybe just maybe if anyone, anyone would acknowledge me as a mother it would help to mend my broken heart.
The next day I was still so upset. I would randomly start weeping. The heartache was brutal.
Austin was off that Monday as well and he spent the day hugging and comforting me.
He went over to his parents later that night for family dinner and I decided to stay home. I couldn’t stop crying and I felt like I would be a burden and I wanted them to have a joyful time celebrating his mom and sister.
While he was gone I talked with my sister and best friend about it. They were beyond supportive. They always are. And I am am so grateful for them.
My best friend told me. “It’s okay to feel this way right now but you cannot live here”
Meaning I can’t live in the sadness. And as someone who lives with depression she was exactly freaking right.
Austin got home later that evening and we sat and talked. I told him everything that I was feeling, every bit of sadness and anger, heartbreak and fear.
The next morning I woke up to find one of the coasters he has made for our wedding.
“Happy Mother’s Day Jessie” was written in a speech balloon.
I have never felt so seen in my entire life.
I am so grateful for him and I am so grateful for his love.
The love that touches my soul and fills it with light.
This is my forever. ❤️
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